


The skies I'm under

by MycroftFeels



Category: The Cornetto Trilogy, The World's End (2013)
Genre: Addiction, Alcoholism, Depression, Drug Use, Gen, Recovery, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:36:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1916523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MycroftFeels/pseuds/MycroftFeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the main events of the movie, Andy takes Gary with him in one last attempt to help him get better. Alas, recovery may be too much to handle for a King gone and forgotten.   (This is an AU in which, when the Network left Earth, everything kind of went back to normal)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Gary?” Andy knocked on the door for the second time, and, once again, got no answer. He opened carefully, just in case Gary was still asleep, and peeked in. Empty. He stared at the tangled sheets before him, trying to figure out what exactly he was looking at.   
They had gotten to his apartment about a day before, after getting back from Newton Haven. Andy reckoned that he had never seen Gary as quiet as he had been in the car drive back home. It was so unlike him, Andy couldn’t help but feel uneasy. It had been a long time since the last he had felt protective of Gary King, but damn him if that wasn’t exactly how he felt then. So when they arrived to London, Andy didn’t wait for Gary to give directions to his place; he simply stated that they were both going to his apartment, and gave his own address. Gary didn't argue. Well, he didn't even reply, actually, but he didn't have to; he wasn’t going back to whichever hole he had crawled up from, not if Andy had a say in the matter.   
It was morning already when they arrived, but Andy still felt a bit drunk. After they showered, Gary sat on the kitchen table while Andy made them something to eat. He looked ridiculous on Andy's old clothes, three sizes too big for him, sitting static, staring into the wall and not saying a word. Neither of them ate much at all. Afterwards, they simply headed to bed. It was all kinds of strange seeing Gary walk into his kids' room, but he really didn't have any other beds other than his and wife's and his kids' beds, so they had to do.  
It must have been evening when he woke up, but Andy didn’t really look at the time. The hangover he was experiencing was so fierce he could barely stand... or sit, or lie down, or be comfortable in any position, really. It was an awful but powerful reminder of why he hadn’t had a drink in sixteen years. All he really wanted was to drink a thousand water bottles and go back to bed, but he didn't; he got up to go and check on his friend.   
Gary was quietly sitting on the couch, watching some telly. He didn’t look as bad as before, he didn’t even look as bad as Andy probably did. Granted, he was probably not as hangover as him, since he was much more used to drinking, but still it made Andy feel a bit more relaxed to see Gary looking a little better. He went to the kitchen, grabbed two huge glasses of water, sat besides Gary without a word and handed him one of the glasses. He seemed a bit confused at first, as if he didn’t really know what to do with it or even why he had it in his hands. He just looked at Andy, muttering a quiet 'thanks' and took a couple of sips. After that he seemed to realize he was actually very thirsty and drank its entire contents in mere seconds. Andy did the same with his water, and they sat there in silence for a while, watching but not really watching whatever was going on on the TV for hours, until their eyes started dropping again.  
Andy didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until he felt the familiar warmth of sunshine on his face. He quickly took a look around the room for Gary but he was nowhere to be found. Maybe he had gotten up and went to sleep in a bed, like a normal person, Andy thought, so he went to check the bedroom.  
Now, as he stood there in his kids’ empty bedroom, he couldn’t help but wonder if Gary had left for good. 

-

Saying that Gary had had a rough night was a serious understatement. True, he had managed to get some sleep when they first arrived to Andy’s but after all that had happened the night before, he had been simply exhausted. And besides, if he were to be perfectly honest, he was still a wee bit drunk.   
He had felt a bit like a zombie as they drove from Newton Haven back to London; his mind kept trying to process everything that had just happened, but it was hopeless, it was just too much. So he stared into the abyss, hoping that it had all been a bad dream. And then they finally got to Andy’s apartment and they showered, and ate, and slept, and sobered up… And Gary began realizing just what the night before had meant, what had actually happened back there and how… and how it was all his fault. Two of his friends were dead, and it was all his fault.   
So as Andy slept on the couch, Gary could only sit there, awake, feeling something crawling under his skin, an itch he couldn’t exactly locate but that he knew could only come from his head, reminding him what a failure he was and how, if all his previous mistakes weren’t enough, he had now turned into his friends’ executioner as well. And, soon enough, he felt a thirst. The thirst. So familiar by now, he had actually been waiting for it this time. He knew he had to do something about it, and soon too, but, for the longest time, he couldn’t move. Not with Andy resting his head on his shoulder. Not because he was afraid he would wake up, he could just lie; say he was going to be bathroom, to bed, whatever. Andy would go back to sleep a second after. But because he couldn’t remember the last time he felt like somebody would care if he weren't there. And, funnily enough, that person was Andy, of all people.   
Andy who Gary had hurt so much in the past, he had sworn never to speak with him again. And yet, there he was. Taking him to his place, feeding him, letting him sleep in his kids' room, lending him his shower, his clothes... bringing him water and lying on his shoulder. Gary could feel his heart race at the thought of letting him down again.   
Of course Gary knew what Andy had in mind, bringing him here. He was a mess, not an idiot -even though he'd play the part sometimes. Andy and Gary had had themselves a little talk the night before, and no matter how drunk he was, there was no way Gary could forget a single word that was said. Andy had realized Gary had a problem about two decades before Gary himself did, but Gary could still see the heartbreak in his eyes when he saw his wrists.   
And now there were both here, and soon enough Andy was going to tell Gary a bunch of stuff he already knew, stuff he had heard a thousand times before. Only this time it felt... different. It had been a while since he had actually let anyone down; it’s difficult to, you know, when no one really cares. But he knew if he fucked up again, he was going to lose Andy, for good this time.   
He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. He shouldn’t have been feeling this doubtful; he had had a plan before that Friday night, and he should have been sticking to it. It wasn’t that complicated even: find the guys, go to Newton Haven, finish the crawl, say goodbye and then… leave. For real this time. He was not going to mess it up again. But things didn’t go quite as planned; for sure his plans didn’t include aliens or robots or both or whatever the fuck they were. They didn’t include Oliver and Pete dying either.   
Not really thinking about what he was doing or why, Gary looked down at his arms and lifted his sleeves; the bandages he hadn’t bothered to change now just rags, the still red scars peeking underneath. He felt his stomach turn at the sight. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, why was he feeling this way now? He bit his lower lip. 'It isn't that hard, Gary.’ he told himself. ‘Find the guys, go to Newton Haven, finish the crawl, say goodbye and then do it, just do it, do it!’   
At that exact same moment it seemed Andy decided it was the perfect time to let out a single, monumentally loud snore. Gary jumped so high on his seat, Andy’s head slid from his shoulder and, still asleep, he turned it to face the other side, leaving Gary completely free. He stared at Andy for a bit, and when he convinced himself he was still sleeping, he got up. He wasn’t sure just what exactly he was planning to do next, but he decided he’d figure it out as he went.


	2. Chapter 2

The noise of the flat door suddenly bursting open startled Andy to no end. He remained very quiet for a second, and simply listened. It took him no time to recognize the sound of the steps that followed. He wanted to feel relieved to have Gary back before he could even begin to worry about him, he really did, but he knew it was probably too much to ask. He was certain Gary had no business going outside anyway, and in the middle of the night of all times. Andy could undoubtedly put two and two together, and knowing Gary, he knew this could only spell trouble. So he let out a sigh, took a deep breath and headed outside the room to face his friend.

“Oh, hey mate!"

He was greeted so cheerfully by Gary, for a moment he forgot how down he had looked only hours earlier. But of course, if his instinct hadn't been enough to convince him of what was going on, the stench of alcohol certainly did. “Where have you been, Gary? You were out all night.”

Gary snickered as he walked past Andy. “What? I didn’t realize we were married now, sorry.” He turned to face Andy as he walked, raising his eyebrows and dedicating him a sarcastic 'apologetic' face, before turning back and heading for the bedroom. 

“Gary, wherever do you think you are going? I’m talking to you.” Andy put a hand on Gary’s shoulder, which he swiftly slapped off.

“Hey! Lay off, man!”

But Andy didn’t mind, he had managed to stop Gary from walking away from him, which was all he had intended, and had him now staring at him defiantly. 

“I was out, all right?” Gary shrugged and suddenly an innocent smile appeared on his face. He smiled as if he hadn’t looked like he could murder Andy with his bare hands just a second before. “You said so yourself, mate. I was just out, chill.”

Andy sighed before speaking again. “Gary, don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“This. Pretending nothing is wrong. Pretending Friday night didn’t happen. Pretending that you can just walk in here drunk out of your mind and everything will be all right.” He could see Gary dramatically rolling his eyes at him, but he didn’t stop. “Pretending you don’t know why I brought you here.” He stopped himself for a second and shook his head. “You do know why I brought you here, don’t you Gary?”  
There was a moment of silence where Andy could literally see the colour draining from Gary’s face. A second after that expression of despair was gone and it was replaced by one of sheer anger.

“I don’t! I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t know what you want for me, but what I do know is that I've been out all night, as you've kindly pointed out, so now I'm going to bed."

He tried slithering off again, but Andy was quicker. He practically jumped between him and the bedroom door, so that when he tried to walk away, he just bumped into him. Andy didn’t wait for him to react to what had just happened, he just crossed his arms, covered the door with his body the best he could, and continued talking. “Well, in that case I’m gonna tell you: I brought you here to help you, Gary. Or to try to, at least.” 

As he spoke Gary had decided that he probably wouldn’t be able to get past Andy and, realizing they were most definitely going to have this talk and they were going to have it right now, he began walking up and down the room like a caged animal. 

“I brought you here because I don’t want to lose you again, all right?” 

Gary wouldn’t even look at him; he just kept pacing, muttering, swearing under his breath. 

“I brought you here because I still care about you and I know that you are in pain, Gary. Let me help you, please.”

Suddenly, Gary stopped in his tracks and faced Andy again. “Where are my clothes?"

“What?”

Gary didn’t reply, he just dashed to the next room, and the next, and the next, raiding them as he went, looking for the clothes that he had given Andy for washing. When he realized they were nowhere to be found, he asked Andy again. “Where are they? I need them, I'm leaving."

Andy, who had been following him close by, answered in the most relaxed voice he could manage. “They are still damp on the line. And no, you are not going anywhere.”

“Just watch me.” Gary tried to get past Andy again, but he stepped in the way. 

“You are going to have to get through me first, and I swear to God, Gary, I'm going to put up a fight this time." Once more, Gary looked terrified. 

-

Gary’s choices were getting very slim, very fast. Obviously brute strength wasn’t his forte, especially against Andy, so that wasn’t really an option. Still, he wasn't going to give up without a fight either. He raised his hands in surrender and dedicated Andy what he hoped would look like an amused smile.

“Mate, you’re… you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

Andy’s expression didn’t change one bit. “Am I?” He took one swift look at Gary’s bandages, peaking under his sleeves. Fuck. Gary quickly lowered his hands, still trying to look unaffected, to maintain his façade. He tried to speak, but Andy wouldn’t let him even begin. 

“You owe me this conversation, Gary, you owe me from last time, remember? I do, clearly enough for the both of us. I was lying in a bed back then. And I begged of you, I begged of you Gary, to get help. I was ready to forgive you if you did. But you wouldn’t listen." Gary literally flinched at Andy's words, but he didn't stop. "And look what good that has done you. You show up sixteen years later, pretending everything's all right when underneath your clothes your wrists are slit in half. What am I supposed to do, Gary? Just let you walk out this door knowing…” Suddenly he stopped himself, his breathing all that could be heard for a couple of seconds, and when he began talking again, his voice was but a whisper. "Knowing that this is the last time I'll ever see you?"

Gary just stood there wordless, trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to spill any second now. How many times had Andy rehearsed this conversation in his head in the last sixteen years? It seemed like he had chosen every word in every sentence specially to hit Gary right where it hurt.   
So he was going to let Andy down once more, then. He hoped he wouldn’t have to, he hoped things could have gone differently. Finally, he looked down and shook his head, no longer trying to hold back the tears.

“I can’t… I can’t do it Andy, I just can’t.”

“How can you know that? How can you know that if you’ve never tried?” Andy’s voice sounded desperate.

“I have tried! I was there…”

Andy cut him mid sentence. “Yeah, for like a week, at most. Do you expect me to believe they just let you out with your arms still in bandages like that? You’re still wearing the bloody wristband, for God sakes!”

Gary simply dropped any attempt at lying anymore. It was Andy in front of him, and he knew.

“Mate, please, please, I promise I won’t try to do it again, I won’t, just…” As he spoke, he could feel his heart racing, as if it was trying to escape from his chest. ‘Please’ he thought, but he couldn’t say, ‘please, don’t take this away, please, please, it's all I have’. 

Andy sighed and grabbed Gary’s shoulders “I know it’s hard, mate, I know.” He drew his friend closer to himself expecting some resistance, but instead Gary went in for the hug so fast it kind of took Andy by surprise. Suddenly they were holding onto each other for dear life, and all that could be heard for a while were Gary's muffled sobs. Andy was just letting the tears stream down his face, trying to keep his voice composed. “It’s all right, mate. It's all right, I’ve got you."


	3. Chapter 3

Andy parked the car outside the building and turned to look at Gary, dedicating him a little smile. Gary had been a bit fidgety during the car ride, but for the most part he seemed all right. Well, he hadn't tried to jump out of the moving vehicle, and that was more than Andy had expected, if he were to be perfectly honest. 

"All right," he said as he took off his seat-belt “we’re here.” 

Gary glanced at the place with a disgusted look on his face. “It looks awful.” He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t wanna go here, take me somewhere else.” He turned his head in the opposite direction. 

“We chose this place together, remember? It’s the best there is. Now come on, they are expecting you.” He wasn't going to waste his time arguing with Gary, not today, so he didn't wait for him to reply; he simply got out of the car and walked over to his door. When he tried to open it, however, he found some resistance. “Gary” he began “let go of the door, please.” 

“I’m not doing anything, it must be broken.” He said as he clearly pulled the door in with both hands. “Maybe you should take the car to a shop or something. Right now sounds good, I'll go with you."

“Gary, for God's sake." Andy gave the door one big pull and the door opened, Gary still hanging from the handle. 

“You fixed it!”

“Grab your bags, Gary.”

With a sigh, Gary let go of the door and got out of the car. “Fine.” He took his bags from the back sit and went back to looking at the building with a concerned expression. 

“Come on.” Andy laid a hand on Gary’s shoulder and began walking him there, but a couple of steps later he just stopped. “Gary? What is it?”

Gary made a sound that could have been a word, but Andy couldn't be sure. “I… I changed my mind, I can’t go in there.”

“Gary..."

“No, but really, I can’t! I just remembered I have this thing, I can't miss it, super important stuff you know? Why are you looking at me like that? I promise you, it’s true!”

“Gary, come on.”

“I’m serious! Come on, would I lie to you? Actually, don’t answer that. Please, Andy, I can just do this from home, all right? I don’t need this place.” He made a dismissive gesture towards the rehab center and laughed nervously.

“You do, Gary.” Andy crossed his arms. “You’ll need doctors, and meds, and counseling and a bunch of other stuff you won’t have at the apartment. But you know all this. So quit dragging this out and get in there.”

Andy began heading for the door again, but Gary stopped him “All right, wait, wait, wait…” When Andy stopped and looked at him, Gary bit his lower lip and looked down. “Fine, you… you’re right. I’m just…” he looked back at Andy and shrugged. “A bit... nervous, that's all." He dedicated Andy a sad little smile and looked down again. 

Andy was quiet for a second, not really knowing what to say. “Ok. Ok, that’s understandable. Let’s just do one thing at the time, yeah? Let’s just walk to the door right now.”

Gary hesitated, but then nodded and started walking with Andy towards the door. “What happens when we get to the door?”

“We go in." They kept walking.

“And then?”

Andy was getting a little frustrated. “You… check yourself in, Gary."

“Fuck.”

“What did you think was gonna happen?”

“I don’t know! I thought that maybe you’d see my commitment and we could just forget about all this and go for drin… ice cream.” He quickly gave Andy an apologetic smile.

Andy didn't reply. As they arrived to the door, he opened it for Gary. He still looked as if he were in agonizing pain, but he walked in without a word. Andy felt a wave of relief wash over him.

As they headed to the reception, the woman at the desk looked up. “Yes, can I help you?” Gary looked ready to burst out running at full speed. He looked over at Andy who smiled and nodded. Gary licked his lips and turned back to face the receptionist. "I'm... checking myself in."

The lady smiled “Gary, is it?” He nodded. “Great, we've been waiting for you. Welcome.” She handed him some forms. “I’ll just need you to fill these real quick.” She gave him a pen and gestured to the chairs on their right. They sat and he started writing.

“ ‘Regularly used substances’ ” He read out loud. “Man, that could take a while.” He laughed and turned to Andy, who looked all but amused. “Oh, come on it’s…” His smile faded. “So we are not making these jokes yet? All right then.” 

He finished soon enough, and handed them back to the woman at the desk. She read them over. “Perfect. We have a doctor waiting for you in the office to give you an exam.” She stood and pointed to a hallway behind her “Let me take you there.”

Gary went very white all of the sudden. “In there?” She nodded. “Like back there? That office all the way in?” She just nodded again. Gary looked ready to hurl. 

“It’s all right, mate” Andy put a hand on his shoulder. “Go on. I won’t leave until you get in.” Gary didn't seem to find any relief in that. “And I’ll be back before you notice, as soon as it’s visits day.” 

Gary swallowed hard. “Yeah. Yeah, all right.” He walked over to the receptionist, who suddenly looked very small standing besides him. 

"You'll be fine, sweetheart." She put a hand on his back and started leading him to the doctor's office. Every few steps he turned back to look at Andy, who suddenly felt very sick to his stomach watching him leave. He still tried to look composed and smiled, waving his hand. Gary raised his hand and tried to smile too, and next thing he knew, he disappeared behind the door. Andy stood there for a minute, staring at the closed door and feeling as if he was going to fall over any second now. When he felt a bit more collected, he turned and headed for his car.   
He sat in it for a while, thinking that, if he could talk to Gary now, he’d tell him that he too would kill for a drink right now. That, at least, he wasn't alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Gary lay awake on a bundle of sweaty bedsheets, wrapped in every blanket he could find, shivering and whimpering, unable to stop. He could feel every inch of his body in a spasm, and every vein screaming for something he couldn't give. It had been going on all night, the pain, the jitters, and although he had been expecting it to happen, that didn't make it one bit easier. He shut his eyes and curled himself into a ball, trying to steady his breathing, but failing miserably.

-

If he had to be honest, his first night there and most of the day after hadn’t been too bad. After his doctor’s appointment the night before, he was taken to his room and he had been so tired he just collapsed in bed. The next morning he had met with who’d become his counselor for their first private session. The questions he was asked were very routine, and although the man had tried to engage Gary a bit more, he couldn’t be bothered to sit still. He kept ignoring his questions and standing up, grabbing random books from his shelves and pretending to be interested in them. After the third time he repeated that he had always wanted to read Foster Wallace, the counselor took a hint and realized he wasn't going to get much more out of him then, so he sent Gary on his way.   
Group wasn’t as easy to navigate, however. Walking into a room full of people who were actually expecting for him to express his innermost feelings really wasn’t his idea of a good time. He walked in hoping, for the first time in his life, to go unnoticed. Alas, he was the new guy, and new guys had to introduce themselves, of course. 

“All right, everyone.” Began the person who seemed to be leading that whole charade. “We have someone new here today.” Gary could feel all the blood in his body rush to his face. “I think I’d be great if you could introduce yourself to the group." She smiled to him, and there was a moment of silence in which Gary considered his options. He could jump out that window, but then again they were on the second floor...  
Finally, he sat up straight and he spoke. “Hey, I’m Gary. King.” He said, almost stuttering. He tried again. “My name’s Gary King.”  
Every person in the room greeted him with some kind of variant of 'Hello' or 'Hi, Gary.' For some reason he always thought that was deeply disturbing.   
“Welcome, Gary.” Continued the woman that had spoken earlier. “Can you tell us why you are here today?”  
Jesus. He hated this part, he really, really did. Why was this even a thing? He already felt like crap, he was in rehab for God’s sakes. Why was he expected to humiliate himself even further? ‘Get it over with,’ he thought ‘get it the fuck over with and move on.' He tried to smile back at her but wasn’t sure if he managed to. “I’m here cause I’m… an addict and an alcoholic.” He could feel the blood that had gathered to his face, suddenly rush somewhere else –he wasn’t really sure where, he felt a little like it had just left his body.  
For some reason, when he was finished, the entire room began to clap. He didn’t think he had ever felt so embarrassed, and he had done some really stupid shit in his life. God, he was gonna puke.  
Fortunately, they didn’t bother him much after that; some people spoke, there were a couple of tears, but Gary wasn’t really paying attention. As soon as they were done, he managed to sneak back into his room and stay there until dinner time.   
And that’s where it started to get really rough. 

He had been lying in bed for a while; he had brought some music in Andy's iPod and was just beginning to doze off to it, when someone barged into the room.

“Hey man, they said I should let you know it's dinner time."

Gary raised an eyebrow. The man standing in front of him certainly didn't look like one of the doctors or the therapists, so he must have been a patient as well. Gary was most confused about what he was doing in there; he was pretty certain he had never laid eyes on him before. The man kept smiling cheerfully, waiting for Gary’s reply.

“Oh. All right.”

He stood up lazily and looked back at the guy, who was still standing by the door. He crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned on the doorframe, as if he was waiting for him. Well, he was definitely creeping him out. 

“Who are you then?”

“Oh I…” he seemed a bit taken aback “I’m your roommate. I was asleep last night when you arrived, and I guess I was already gone when you woke up today.... I was also in group today.”

Gary looked to his left and realized that there were, indeed, two beds in the room. Go figure.

“…I’m Mike.” He added, smiling. “We should get going, though, or they’ll run out of all of the good stuff." 

Gary wasn’t really hungry, but he followed anyway. Maybe he could manage to sneak in some muffins or something into his room for later. He always got hungry right after midnight, for some reason.

This Mike person didn’t seem too bad, at first at least. He could have gotten some old bloke with smelly feet and bad breath, but, as far as Gary could tell, his feet seemed all right and his breath didn’t smell. Still, he could have been a snorer; Gary wouldn't know until bedtime.

“So. First day, huh?” Mike started saying, as they sat down on their table. “Well, I guess second, technically. How are you holding up?”

Oh great, a conversationalist. As if there weren’t enough people trying to make him talk in there already. Gary just shrugged. “I’ve had better days, to be honest.” 

Mike chuckled. “Yeah, I feel you. I’ve been here about a week now, and let me tell you, it’s been rough.” He took a bite of whatever he was eating and continued “Is it your first time in here?”

“Yeah.” That was a lie. “Well, I mean…" He stuttered a bit. Why were they even talking about this? Wasn't it enough with having to do this same thing all day long? They should have been talking about how disgusting the food was, or the music he had just been hearing, or anything else really; literally anything else would have been better. But he had already started talking, and Mike was staring at him with these huge eyes, waiting for him to continue, so he did. “I was in rehab before, but only for a couple of days.” He should have just told him that it wasn’t his first time, and stop there. Or, better yet, he should have told him to mind his own fucking business. 

The other man just nodded. Maybe he had noticed that it was best to drop the subject now, before Gary decided to slash his jugular with his little plastic knife.   
Silence between them didn’t last long, though, since a second later a girl who seemed way too young to even be in there, dropped herself next to Gary’s new friend. 

“Hey, Mikey!” She grabbed something from his plate and simply put it in her mouth.   
This appeared to be a common occurrence, since he didn’t even look up, he just raised a hand and ruffled her short hair, while still munching. “Hey, kiddo.” She chuckled and tried to brush it back into place with her fingers.

Still smiling, she turned to Gary. “And you are the new guy, right?”

Gary, who was not in such a cheerful mood by then, rolled his eyes at her and stabbed his food. "Why? What do you wanna know? Maybe what's my go-to drug, or, or maybe if mummy and daddy loved me enough.” He almost cringed at his own words. God, was sick of this already. “What is it with you people and constantly wanting to discuss these things?”

As if to irritate Gary even further, she chuckled again and raised her hands defensively. “Whoa, chill out there mate, I was just saying hello." An instant later she had lowered her hands and was leaning across the table, whispering. “Although, if you could let me in in that go-to drug thing, that’d be great. I have a bet with Doug over there.” She pointed to a table across the room, where a man who seemed to be older than time itself, raised a wrinkly hand and waved at them. "He thinks it's smack, but I'm thinking booze." She sat back and crossed her arms, shaking her head. “Stupid idiot, he always says smack and he’s never right.” She stood up and raised her voice so he could hear her across the room “Just cause you love it doesn’t mean everyone does, Doug you dumb fuck!” He shouted back something that sounded a lot like 'then they’re wrong!’ and the girl sat down with a laugh.

Gary just sat there motionless, trying to process what had just happened. These people where insane, just completely out of their minds. Fuck, there it was again, that sick feeling this place, these people gave him. He honestly felt like he would vomit any minute now and... ‘Oh.’ He suddenly realized what was really going on. ‘Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, it's too soon! It’s too soon, fuck!’ He looked down at his hands and watched them shake, albeit almost imperceptibly. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’

“Come on, Becky, leave Gary alone. If he doesn't wanna say, he shouldn't..." Mike cut himself mid sentence. Gary looked up and realized he was staring. He had obviously noticed something was wrong, so he immediately hid his hands under the table. “Are you ok there, man?” 

“Fine.” His voice came out a little higher than he had intended. He coughed. “I’m fine. I’m… probably just tired, that’s all. I think I may be heading to bed early tonight.” He smiled the most unconvincing smile he had ever produced and shot up from his sit and towards his room, leaving the other two staring at him as he walked away.

Becky grabbed the tray Gary had left almost intact, and pulled it towards her. She grabbed a spoon and began eating his abandoned jello. “Definitely booze.” Mike just nodded.

-

He sat up and grabbed his knees. He thought about calling a doctor again, but he had already taken all the meds he was supposed to take, and then some they gave him just ‘cause he wouldn't shut up about needing something stronger. He buried his head in his knees, trying to muffle the sobs he couldn’t contain, rocking back and forth and praying to be able to throw up again, so at least the nausea would go away for a bit.

“Gary, mate” the lump lying on the bed besides him said in a hearse voice. “You need to settle down a bit, all right? It’s four am.” 

Gary tried to tell him to go fuck himself, but the only thing he could manage right then was a loud whimper and a very bad thrown bottle of water, originally aimed at his head but that only hit the side of the bed. “Fuck you, man! I’m sick!”

Mike sat up and ran a hand through his messy hair. “Yeah, I get that, and I know it sucks, believe me. But the doctor has already said there's nothing else he can give you, that you'll just have to ride this out. I don't know, go take a shower or something." 

“You go take a fucking shower!” Gary untangled himself from countless covers and sheets and stood up. He headed for the drawers and began to take his stuff out.

“The fuck are you doing, man?” Mike got out of bed also, as soon as he realized what Gary was trying to do. 

“I’m outta here.” He grabbed his empty bags from under the bed, and started stuffing them with balled-up clothes, as fast as he could go.

“The fuck you are!” Mike turned Gary right around and pushed him off balance. Gary suddenly found himself sitting on his bed, confusedly staring up at his very angry roommate. “You need to sit and calm down, all right?”

Gary stood right back up, and tried to push Mike back, but the man was much taller than him, and Gary was too sick to even be standing up. "Leave me alone! Why do you even care? Get off me!" Mike had grabbed him by the shoulders and wouldn’t let him walk away or even move.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry mate but I can’t let you go. I promise you’ll be fine, but you have to stay here.”

Gary kept trying to free himself, but simply wasn’t strong enough. “I can’t, I can’t stay here anymore! I need something, all right? Meds are doing nothing!”

“I get it, I know.” Mike slowly sat him back down into the bed, and sat besides him with an arm around his shoulders. Gary said nothing else; he just sat there, defeated, weeping softly for a minute.

“If you promise you won’t do anything silly, I’ll go find a doctor. They never give you the good stuff unless you are at least as bad as this.” He shrugged. “Besides, I think there’s lot of left over jello in the kitchen. I can bring you some if you want; there’s never anyone there at this hour.” He smiled and pated Gary’s shoulder as he stood up. “Do you promise you’ll stay here then?”

Gary hesitated for a second, but then nodded. He bit his lower lip and brought all the covers over himself again. 

“Great. I’ll leave someone at the door just in case, so don’t try anything funny, all right?” Gary just nodded again. He walked over to the door, but turned around before leaving. “What flavor jello do you want?”

“I…” he wasn’t in an eating mood at all, but he still answered. "Blueberry?" 

“Coming right up!” And with that, Mike disappeared through the door. 

Gary lay back down on the bed and groaned, covering even his head with the covers as he did so. And he waited.


	5. Chapter 5

Gary waited for a couple of minutes after Mike left, and lowered the covers. He knew he had promised he’d stay in the room, but if the guy was so stupid as to actually believe him, well, he deserved to be lied to then.   
Ignoring his severe desire to throw up the best he could, he sat up on the bed and tried to listen for any signs of movement out there, but heard nothing at all. If he had really left no one at the door, then Gary could simply walk away. It was the middle of the night, virtually no one else was there to stop him. Someone at the front door would probably just want his signature on some paperwork and he'd be free, he’d be free and he’d be able stop the pain.   
He chuckled nervously at the thought, and ran a hand through the mess that was his hair. Still smirking, he stood up and rushed to his bags. With shaky hands, he swiftly grabbed the clothes that had fallen on the floor and began stuffing them in again.  
Suddenly he heard his own voice inside his head, all but a whisper but still very clear: 

‘Gary, are you actually going to do this? Again?’ 

He immediately stopped what he was doing. Fuck. Obliviously, he clutched the indiscernible piece of clothing in his hand and bit his lower lip hard. Fuck. Fuck him for having grown a conscience out of the fucking blue in that precise moment. Or fuck it for haven gotten sober right along with him.   
With a heavy sigh he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself. He couldn’t leave, he couldn’t… But he wanted it so bad, he needed to stop feeling like this, he needed… He threw the shirt across the room with a loud swear and hid his face in his palms. He stood like that for a minute, and finally lowered his hands. He stared at the closed door before him. He had to know, he simply had to.   
Not even fully aware of what he was doing, he found himself rushing towards the door. Swiftly, before he could even think of changing his mind, his hand grabbed the knob and turned it. Or tried to.   
When he heard a loud ‘Hey!’ from the other side, he let go of it, and jumped backwards. Oh. So he had left someone guarding the door. Lovely.   
The door clicked open, and a very frowny Becky shot in.

“Where on earth do you think you are going?”

Gary’s eyes went wide at the sight of her. She had crossed her arms over her chest and was staring at him as if she was actually expecting an honest answer. Holy shit, had he really fallen so low? Did he truly have to explain himself to this freckled-cheeked child now?

“Hey, calm down Hermione, I was just checking if Mike was coming back or what." She seemed honestly taken aback, and Gary gave himself an inner high five of sorts for managing that. “Besides, you are not supposed to even be in here, these are the guys’ dorms.” He smirked. 

Becky huffed a laugh. “What are you, twelve?” She closed the door behind her and pointed to Gary’s half-packed bags. “And don’t even try to lie to me, all right? That doesn’t look like you were ‘just checking.’”

Realizing it was hopeless, Gary gave up on lying. “Fuck off! I'll do whatever I please; I don’t have to answer to you!” He swallowed hard. Fuck, everything was blurry. “And it’s not like you could stop me anyway. I have like a head on you.” He really didn’t want to have to get physical with her, but if she had to be locked in the bathroom for him to get his way, then that was exactly what was going to happen. 

“I’m not here to fight you, you knobhead.” Her stance changed a bit. "I'm here...” She stopped and sighed. “Mike did the same thing for me when I first came here. I tried to leave too, all right?” She shrugged and looked away for a second. Then her eyes met Gary’s again. “He saw me wandering the halls and… he didn't even have to touch me, he just sat me down and we talked. Of course he’s much better than me at this; he’s been in rehab like a thousand times…”

Gary’s huff cut her mid-sentence. “So you are here to talk to me?”

She obviously didn’t expect that. She looked positively hurt, and, for the smallest bit, she couldn't seem to find the right words. "I'm here ‘cause you're obviously freaking out, and I thought that maybe you needed someone to tell you that it was gonna be all right, yeah?" Gary noticed her eyes watering. Fuck. "I thought I could help!"

Oh, Jesus, no. He couldn’t handle this right now. “Stop, stop, stop. Don’t cry, all right? I honestly won’t be able to deal with it. I mean, I’m sorry that you feel that way and all, but I kinda have my own problems at the moment.” 

“Don’t be like that! I just wanted to help you out, mate!” She kept running the back of her hands on her cheeks to dry the tears. 

He threw his arms open and gave a forced smile. “I just don’t think you are understanding how sick I feel right now. If you keep this up, I promise you, I will throw up on your slippers.”

At that exact same moment, the door barged open and Mike walked in, bearing at least five cups full of jelly. “Oh, hey Becky.” He handed her one of the cups. "How are things?" 

She beamed at him and began digging into her cup with a spoon that looked a bit too big for her mouth. "Oh, it's all all right." She swallowed. "He was being kinda difficult, so I had to improvise a bit. Worked pretty well, though." She dedicated Gary a little smile. 

Gary felt like he had just been punched in the face. Oh. She’d been playing him? That whole scene was just a fucking act? He stood there with his mouth half open and his eyes like plates, quite literally speechless. 

Mike walked over to him and put one of the cups on his hand. “Don’t sweat it mate, she’s kinda good; that’s the whole reason why I brought her here.” Gary tried to argue, but Mike wouldn’t even let him begin. “The doctor will be here in a minute. I convinced him to bring the good stuff. So now be nice and patient and wait a bit longer, all right?”

Gary stared at him for a second, trying to calculate his chances of punching him on the nose and getting away with it. He finally decided against it, and plonked himself down on the bed with a sigh. “I hate you both so much.”

Becky chuckled under her breath. “Give it a day or two. A week at most. You’ll change your mind.” She winked at him and he had to make use of all his strength and willpower to stop himself from getting up and straight up strangling her.


	6. Chapter 6

He was actually dreading the coming of the weekend. At first he had thought it wouldn't get there soon enough, but as his head began clearing up, and as he began feeling all those things he had been trying so desperately hard not to, he realized he was no even close to being ready to face Andy; not now, not sober.

This was exactly the way had been -quite literally- dying not to feel; every inch of his skin was raw, exposed. His mind was screaming at him, sputtering insults with every thought, letting him know exactly how worthless, how guilty and ashamed he should be. And he was. He felt vulnerable, fragile even, like made of something very thin, very weak. It was just venomous, and it was eating him up from the inside out. All these emotions had come rushing so suddenly, like a storm rising inside him.

He thought he may be, but was not prepared, not at all; he didn't have what he needed to shut it down. He hated himself. Every last bit of his being. He hadn't been there a week. He hadn't been sober a week and he was already desperate to crawl out of his own skin.

But the weekend came anyway, obviously not giving a single fuck to how hard he had wished for it not to -probably due to the fact that it was not an actual living being, but an abstract concept-, and he found himself still there, still alive. However miserable. So he showered and he got dressed -hid his wrists-, and he walked by the mirror without giving in to the urge to punch it to smithereens, and he sat as far away from the front door as he could while still not losing sight of it. And he took out his cigs, and waited.

-

The drive there seemed much longer than the last time. It was quieter, for starters. Even if Gary hadn't talked much the previous time, it felt very different to just have him there, making jokes, trying to look collected. Failing miserably at it, of course, but it was still better than nothing. Now Andy felt just so alone with only his thoughts to keep him company. He wasn't even sure what he felt so anxious about; Gary was already in there, right? And, most importantly, he had stayed. An entire fucking week. He almost couldn't believe it. True, he had gotten some somehow discouraging late phone calls during that week, but he wouldn't have expected anything less from him; it was just Gary being Gary, kicking and screaming and begging Andy to come get him, to stop fucking around, to get him something, please, to help him, just help him, Andy, please, please. And every time Andy would sit up on his bed, take a deep breath and explain very calmly and very patiently that no, he wouldn't be sneaking anything in for him on the weekend, and that no, he wasn't going to pick him up and bring him home with him because it was the middle of the night and because he needed to stay in there for a little bit longer, and that they would see each other very soon anyway. All of this was often met with the most creative string of insults Andy had ever heard in his life, to which, gathering all the patience he could find within himself, he replied that Gary could complain all he wanted, but that that he wasn't going to change Andy's mind. And, of course, that he was still unbelievably proud of him. That usually shut him up. Well, after one last 'you fucking wanker!' of sorts. Then he heard the phone click on his ear and he knew it was over. For the night at least.

But Andy had successfully navigated through that week somehow, and he was now parked at the exact same spot as a week before, and he wasn’t sure of what to do. Sure, he should get out of the car, walk through the door, and sit with Gary for a little bit. Maybe talk. Yeah, that was what he was supposed to do right? Only, it didn’t feel right at all. It was all very nice, Gary being in rehab and all. But Andy didn’t really believe it would last, not… not really. He had lost so much; he just couldn’t lose Gary again. He was so scared.

Maybe he was just scared.

It didn't actually matter.

Right now, he needed to get in there and do what he was supposed to do. Even if it didn’t last, right now Gary needed him. Never mind that he had no clue what to say, he’d figure it out as he went.

 

-

 

Gary did try not to jump to his feet as soon as he saw an Andy-shaped-being walk through the door, he just didn't try hard enough. Hoping for his life that Andy hadn't noticed, Gary took his sweet time putting his cigarette out and throwing it away, before walking towards him as if he hadn’t just sprung off his seat at the speed of fucking light.

 

“They let you smoke in here?”

 

“Not really, but” Gary shrugged with a smile “as long as they don’t catch you.”

 

It looked as if Andy was using all the strength he could gather not to push it any further. Gary felt a tinge of shame –his favorite perk of sobriety- when he noticed the look on his face. Not half a minute had passed since Andy had arrived and Gary was already being disappointing. Way to go. Fuck.

 

“Still breaking rules, then?”

 

Gary looked up, noticing right then that he had been staring at the ground. He felt his heart race.

 

“I’m trying!”   _No, please, don’t let my voice break._

 

Well, at least Andy had not been expecting that. He seemed so taken aback he didn't reply at all. He did, however, open his mouth once as if to say something, but closed it again and remained silent. What had he been expecting though? An excuse, probably. Something vaguely dismissing. But Gary wasn’t drunk, and he wasn’t high, and he wasn’t trying to fool Andy and himself into his games anymore.  

 

“Sorry.” Andy shook his head. “Sorry, mate, you’re right.”

 

Good thing Gary was already expecting this to be awkward, no surprises there.

 

“Maybe we should sit.” Andy gestured to an empty table close by, drawing a little smile. Gary just shrugged and followed Andy’s lead without a word.

Once they had sat down, however, Gary wasn’t feeling as bothered anymore. He’d missed Andy more than he would ever dare to admit, and well… he _had_ been breaking rules. Andy was just probably worried, he guessed.

 

“How are you feeling, then?" 

 

Gary huffed.

 

“You’d know. I've been calling you every night since I’ve gotten here.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “This sucks. I'm fucking miserable.”

 

The corner of Andy’s mouth twitched involuntarily. “You’re still here, though.”

 

 “Yeah, well.” Gary shrugged and shook his head a bit theatrically. "I'm used to being miserable."

 

Andy knew that was not supposed to be funny, not in the slightest, but for some reason his lips curved into a smile and he couldn’t hold it in; suddenly he was chuckling and he couldn’t contain it, try as he may. He laid his head on his hand and rubbed his eyebrow. “Jesus Christ, Gary.”

 

“Oh, so this is what we are doing now, we are laughing at my pain. Wonderful." But he wasn't able to hide his smile either, even biting his lower lip as he was.

 

Andy sat up straight again, pursing his lips into a tight line. “You’ll be all right, mate. You got this.”

 

Gary’s smile faded a bit. He looked down for an instant and then back at Andy.

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

“Of course I do.” It didn’t matter if he was lying through his teeth, it really, really didn't. He couldn't be scared right now, Gary was probably scared enough for the both of them already. He needed to be the strong one, and he was going to. “You’re Gary King, yeah? Whenever have you not been able to do something you’ve set your mind to?” Andy could see Gary mouthing ‘fucking liar’ but he could also see his smile threatening to appear again. “Remember that time you got Erika to make out with you at the Christmas party? She was so mad at you ‘cause you had set her dog’s tail on fire, but somehow you still got home with her bra in your pocket that night.”

 

And just like that they were laughing. Gary was laughing.

 

“Oh, shit! Yes, fuck, it was pink! It was a pink lacy bra… Jesus, I was so proud of that.”

 

“Or that time you were gonna fail History and you convinced Mr. Brown that it was cause English was not your first language and that you were actually from Spain?” Gary immediately covered his mouth with both his hands and was trying not to burst out laughing. “How, mate? How did you even do that? You don’t speak a word of Spanish!”

 

“Well, neither did he!” He shook his head at the thought. “But” he raised a finger “I did end up failing, though.”

 

“Yeah, when they found out.”

 

“Right. Oh man, I was suspended for so long…”

 

Andy smiled, slightly, his eyebrows raising. “See? You've done so much amazing stuff I couldn’t even name everything if I sat here all day talking about it."

 

Gary fell silent all of the sudden. He shook his head. “Yeah, but making out with a girl, messing with a teacher, it's just... it's different. This is different.”

 

“Doesn’t mean you can’t figure it out. You will.” The corner of his mouth curved into a smile. “Hell, you are already pretty much kicking ass.”

 

Gary scrunched up his face in confusion. “How does one even kick ass in rehab? That’s not actually a thing, mate.”

 

“No, but it is! It is. Ok, listen to me.” Andy leaned over the table and raised his index finger, as if he were counting. “Have you not gotten up every morning at fucking dawn” it was probably closer to nine-ish, he thought, but continued “and gotten yourself down to every single one of the group meetings and sat through them without punching anyone in the face?”

 

Gary’s eyebrows were still scrunched. “Yeah, I guess. I almost did punch someone once, though…”

 

Andy ignored him and went on, raising another finger. “Have you not endured days of withdrawals, shaking and sweating and throwing up and wishing you could make it stop somehow? Knowing just what you could do to stop it, and still choosing to stay here? Have you not?"

 

Gary opened his mouth, yet nothing came out. He tried again. “Yes, I... yeah, but..."

 

Andy raised a third finger "Have you not gone to individual sessions and talked about stuff you would much rather have forgotten about, even if it was by means of a bullet through your skull?” He didn’t wait for an answer this time, he just raised the next finger. “Have you not wanted to put a bullet through your skull? Constantly? Have you not stared at your wrists and ignored the urge, the need to…” His voice was about to crack. He couldn’t let it. “…to try that again?"

 

Gary had fell silent and was looking down. Andy ignored the tears he could clearly see forming in his eyes. He also ignored his own.

 

“Have you not done all these things?” He raised his eyebrows and crooked his head to the side. "Sober?"

 

Gary’s face distorted by emotion and suddenly became streaked with tears. Andy got up from his seat and rushed over to him, holding him to his chest as he shook.

 

“It’s so fucking hard!”

 

“But you’re doing it, you’re doing it."

 

Neither could talk anymore after that. They stayed like that for a while, in silence, until Gary was able to calm down a bit, and even then Andy wouldn’t let go. He was there, Gary was there, wasn’t he? Jesus, thank God…

 

Finally Andy crouched by Gary’s seat and dedicated him a smile. “Now, what was that about not kicking ass?”

 

Gary had to smile. What a fucking idiot, for God’s sake. He shook his head and huffed. "Andrew, you fucking dick."

 


	7. Chapter 7

Gary walked down the hall dragging a ridiculously huge bag Andy had brought in from his car last minute. Something to lift his spirits, he'd said. Gary hadn’t looked in yet, but if he were to bet actual money on guessing what was in there, he’d put all of it on the bag being stuffed to the brim with candy. And he would have been right too.  Andy had always had a soft spot for crappy food, and even though Gary hadn’t really shared that till right then, he felt like he was in no position to overlook the option of turning to food as a means of not feeling so shitty. He refused to call it ‘comfort food,’ however. Besides, he considered, a diet consisting of Cadbury and Mars bars didn't sound half bad. Not at all.

 

He turned round the corner to an interesting sight; sitting on the floor, with her head buried between her knees, was Becky. Just for a second, as Gary walked by, she lifted her head to run a hand across her cheek, and it became pretty obvious to him that she was crying.

 

“What’s the matter, your boyfriend broke up with you?"

 

That probably wasn't very good. It was impulse; he'd have the chance to be an asshole and he would, as simple as that. His mouth was far quicker than his brain. His brand new conscience scolded him for it.

She didn’t look up to answer.

 

“Go away."

 

Now, she wasn’t exactly his favorite person in the world, in fact he had wanted to smother her with a pillow more than once by now, but she wasn't truly horrible either, and for some reason Gary felt a bit sorry for her. Besides, if he had to be honest, he had been feeling a little… lonely. Sure, there was Andy. Maybe Sam and Steve, if he was lucky. But he had never made other friends after high school, not real ones anyway, even if he was always in a crowd. He thought it didn’t bother him, truth is he was always too wasted to care, or sometimes to even notice. And maybe Rebecca fucking Baker wasn’t precisely what he thought about if you asked him about genuine human connection, but she was there, wasn’t she? She was there and she was probably one of the few people to ever speak to him that knew what he was going through. Huh. Suddenly the whole concept of group meetings made absolute sense to him.

 

He was sitting on the floor besides her even before he could think about it twice.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?” She raised her head just a bit and turned around to look at him, laying her cheek on her knee.

 

“Keeping you company.” He shrugged “If you’re gonna be miserable, you shouldn’t have to be miserable alone.” He turned his gaze away as he spoke; he felt awkward somehow, like he was being too pleasant or something. Maybe it was just the novelty of it all. Caring.

 

“You don’t like me.” She began blinking way too much all of the sudden, and buried her head between her knees again. “And I don’t want your bloody company.”

 

“It’s not… that’s not fair!” He made a face. “I've only been here a week; I’ve been here _detoxing_ for a week, who wouldn’t be a bit grumpy?”

 

She gasped. “You threw a lamp at me and called me a ginger bitch! I’m not even that ginger!” She had lifted her head and was grabbing a lock of her hair as a demonstration.

 

“You’re ginger enough! And that’s not the point!” She wasn’t ginger really. He really hoped that his beard didn't look reddish in that light, cause it wasn't. "I was in withdrawal and you tricked me into staying sober." 

 

“Yeah, I did. You’re fucking welcome.”

 

They remained silent for a bit. Gary hadn’t really decided if he was thankful for her intervention that time or not yet, but it had been a rough night, and she had been there. She had stayed through all of it, even when had he resorted to throwing the room’s furnishing at her and Mike.

 

“You ate all my jelly.” He said in a murmur. 

 

“What? You wanted your vomit to be blue or something? It was bad enough as it was. I don't know if you remember, but you _did_ end up throwing up on my slippers. I would have never gotten it off if it had been fucking blue.”

 

He chuckled. Wait, that wasn’t funny. She looked kinda mad. “Sorry.”

 

Becky bit her lower lip but couldn’t contain a smile. She shook her head as quiet laughter took over her. “It’s all right. I guess I would have done the same if I had been in your position. And I didn't even like those slippers anyway." She went very serious all of a sudden. “They were a gift from my mum. She was supposed to come visit today, you know? She promised.”

 

Oh. So that’s was the problem then. Gary knew a thing or two about unsupportive parents, and he also knew a thing or two about people in general who said they would be there and then... weren't.

He looked at her and tried to find the right words. He wasn’t about to lie to her about this. For some reason he was certain that would be a terrible thing to do. He could have just said something dismissive; he could have just said that her mum had just probably forgotten, thought visit days were on some other day, that she must have been busy or something... But he couldn’t. 

 

“Parents… people. They are complicated. I don’t know your mum, but if she said she was going to be here, she should have been here. No matter how angry or disappointed she may be right now.” He could see the shame creeping into her cheeks. Gary was pretty sure Becky must have hurt her family a lot; he knew he certainly had, multiple times. But he also knew –he really, really did know- that it wasn’t a one way street. “You’re trying to do things differently… better, right? She should be trying to do the same thing.”

 

Becky stared at him for a second with a pensive frown, and then nodded solemnly. He thought her eyes watered a bit, but then they wondered to the floor and he couldn’t really tell. "She should, right? I shouldn't be the only one doing all the work.” She pursed her lips and _clicked her fingernails_  together.

 

He nodded. He was still looking for that little bit of parental sympathy that turns every grown man into a child. His mum probably didn’t even know he was in there yet. He had ruined his chances so many times, he wasn’t even sure what she would make of it this time.

Suddenly he realized he was getting lost in his own thoughts, but it wasn’t just about him right now. Gary looked back at Becky and smiled. “Don’t worry, you’re doing fantastic.” It was true wasn’t it? She couldn’t have been there much longer than he had, a couple of days at most, and she was being a champ about it. She smiled back at him. “She’ll come around.” _And if she doesn’t, I’ll have your back_ his mind added, but he didn’t say out loud for some reason. Maybe some other time.


	8. Chapter 8

Gary really wasn’t in the mood for a meeting that morning. Of course, he’d never been since he’d been in there... or before, or at any point in his life really. He _had,_ however, been expecting for it to change at one point. He had been expecting to be able to start making sense of the things he was doing in there, and the things he would have to do when he got out, but he really felt like he wasn't. Honestly, most of the time he just wanted to go home and get proper wasted. His body had mostly adjusted to being sober by now, but his mind kept running wild about it. Being in rehab was deadly boring, but at least in there he wouldn't fuck things up just yet. He was pretty certain that he wouldn't last a day sober when he got out. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to be sober at all. God, this was all so confusing. He _did_ want to get better, to have Andy’s friendship back, to get his life together and stop feeling like a failure all the time. He wanted his mum back. He missed people caring about him. Not only his old friends; he missed being able to connect with anyone at all. But he _also_ very much missed that soothing, woozy feeling that alcohol gave him, sitting warm on the pit of his stomach, washing away every worry he may have had, making the girls look prettier, the jokes seem funnier, and the problems less important. He missed it lulling him to sleep at night. He hadn’t had a proper night sleep in over a week. Never mind the detox period, now his head was _too_ clear, everything seemed sharp and hard and he missed being able to tune things down a bit, just a little bit, with only a couple of sips. Just a drink, just one and he would be happy.

No, wait. That was probably not true. One drink had never been enough, not for him. He kept having to remind himself that if he went down that path again it would lead him nowhere at all. It _had_ led him nowhere before; it had led him almost to his death, actually. He sighed out loud and his eyes wandered to the scars on his wrists as he walked. They weren't in bandages anymore, and they had been 'healing nicely', doctor's words. They were turning white. Gary didn't want to go to that place again, he couldn't feel the way he had felt that night again. Alcohol hadn't helped then, not at all. It had _never_ solved any of his problems, just brushed them under a rug and turned them into this huge fucking monster that came back to bite him in the ass when he had least expected it. He couldn’t keep running from his problems. Or trying to drown them. He had to do things differently this time. But, then again, drinking felt so nice...

He kept going back and forth between those two, wanting to forget about alcohol for good one minute, and to sprint away to the nearest pub the next. It was tiring, and confusing. It drained the energy out of him, and left him with zero disposition to do any of the things he was supposed to do while in there. Especially group meetings. God he hated those.

People kept getting mad at each other, and reconciling in tears the next second. They were supposed to share their _feelings,_ and everyone was so jumpy and befuddled about everything that was going on, that the meetings were mostly a fucking mess of snot and second hand embarrassment. Gary loathed them. He never spoke much.

That morning, however, he had to. Apparently people had noticed he hadn’t been pitching in much, and that was just a really big no no, wasn't it? Fuck them all to hell.

 

“So, Gary, you’ve been here over a week now. Why don't you tell us how you’re feeling?” He didn’t particularly dislike this one doctor; she was nice, and soft-spoken, and apparently knew what she was doing although she looked like ten years younger than Gary himself. But right now he would have punched her on the teeth.

 

“I’m great. Can’t complain.” A faint smile cast at his lips.       

 

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past eight days.” She turned her head to the side. “I don’t want to push you to talk, Gary, but I think that if you could expand a bit more, it would be great for you. You have a chance to vent here, and no one will judge you. You don’t have to feel great all the time. And I think that maybe you don’t.” Her head went back to its original position but Gary really just felt like ripping it off with his bare hands.

 

He couldn’t really just _say_ what was going on in his head, could he? He didn’t think ‘I would murder you all with a dull knife for a glass of whatever liquor I can find first’ was really appropriate.

 

“I’m… trying, I guess” he shrugged. The doctor just nodded at him. “It’s hard.”

 

“What is?” she asked.

 

He wondered if she was being serious. She seemed to be. “Being… sober?”

 

“And why is that?”

 

Wow. She _was_ being serious. “Because! It just is.” He looked around for support. None of the others said anything. He caught a glimpse on his left of Mike giving him two thumbs up, and Gary was certain he wasn't even being ironic. God, he was sweating. What else did they expect him to say? “It’s the way I’ve always dealt with stuff. Not being able to do that… It makes everything weird and, and complicated.”

 

“How do you feel, Gary?” her eyes stayed fixed on him.

 

“Sad.” How very profound. “Scared. I have no idea how I am going to do anything now. I don’t even know what I am supposed to do at all.”  He stopped just for a second to cross his arms over his chest. "I'll just probably fuck everything up again."

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

“Because it’s true! It’s what I always do! Because right now all I can think about is how shitfaced I wanna get, and how mad I am that I can’t, and how nice whisky tastes, and how everything that’s happening to me sucks!”

 

“You want to drink right now?” It was more a statement than a question, but she still looked like she expected an answer.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” He felt like his face was on fire. He really, really did need a drink.

 

She rearranged her glasses. “Tell me, Gary, where are you right now?”

 

“What?” he frowned. She didn’t add anything else. “I’m… here. I'm in rehab.”

 

“Aha. So you’re not, say, at a bar or at a pub. You’re not drinking alone at home. You’re here in rehab.”

 

“Yeah.” Where was she even going with this?

 

“And who made the decision for you to be here?” She asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Was it a judge? Was this court ordered? Or are you a minor? Did your parents send you here?” she rearranged her glasses again. “Who decided that you should be here today?"

 

“I did.” Oh. _Oh_.

 

“All right” she seemed so pleased with herself Gary could have punched her. “And what’s stopping you from leaving right now? What’s stopping you from getting up of that chair, going to whatever pub and ordering a drink?"

 

Now that he had figured out the game, he didn’t want to drag it out any longer. He was tired, he just wanted it to end. “No one.”

 

“Then why are you so certain that you will ‘fuck everything up’? You certainly haven't so far. Personally, I think you’ve been doing pretty well.”

 

“I…” His leg had started bouncing without him noticing at some point of the conversation. He swallowed and his throat felt as if it where lined with sand. “I just really miss it and…” God, a drink, ten drinks, of whatever, it didn’t matter; he could have drunk window cleaner on the rocks right now. “…forever seems like a long time, you know.” His voice had become but a whisper, but, unfortunately, he was certain everyone had heard every word. Forget the drinks, he’ll make do with a gun.

 

“Everyone feels that way, mate.” Oh, fantastic, his fucking roommate was chipping in now. “You shouldn’t think about it that way. Today you're here. You woke up every morning for the past week and you decided you would stay.” He shrugged. “You just need keep doing that. You need to wake up every day and decide that you’re not gonna drink that day, and then you don’t. You keep fighting day after day, and you win a battle every day.”

 

“That actually works?” He was about to say ‘that Betty Ford bullshit’, but he changed his mind at the last second.

 

“Some days.” A smile tugged at Mike's lips. That… was actually a bit comforting. Gary smiled back at him.

 

“That was great, Gary, thank you.” the doctor added. She turned to the rest of the room. "Anyone else wants to share?"

 

  This time when people spoke, Gary actually listened.

 


	9. Chapter 9

“Mike?” 

Gary knocked on the door once more. He had woken up a half hour before with his bladder ready to explode, but Mike had been hoarding the bathroom the whole time.   
"Come on, man, I'm dying out here, can’t you hurry?"

“Go to bed, Gary.” 

It was the first reply he had gotten in that entire time. Gary failed to notice the strain in his voice.

“What are you even doing in there? Waxing or something?”

He knocked again, a bit harder this time. Right then the door opened with a sucking hiss and Mike appeared before him, with a look of utter despair on his face. 

“Whoa. What happened to you?”

Mike looked down at his own closed fist, and then opened it up slowly, with his palm facing up. Laying on it, sat a small plastic bag with three white round pills in it. Gary was not exactly a pill enthusiast, but he wasn't a stranger to them either, so he immediately recognized the small ‘OC’ imprinted on them. His heart skipped a beat.

“Shit.”

“I found them on my jean pockets; I didn’t…” he shook his head with his mouth hanging open. “I didn’t even remember they were there, I swear.”

Gary was standing there with his eyes like plates and his stomach on a knot, not daring to utter a word.

“I’ve been sitting on the bathroom staring at them for the last hour; I don’t know what to do.”

They both fell silent, staring at the little bag, only their breathing to be heard for half a minute. Gary ran a hand over his mouth and his eyes found Mike’s. 

“Throw them out.”

Mike didn’t answer. He lowered his eyes again and bit his lip.

“Mike, you have to throw them out.”

“I can’t! What do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past hour?” 

Gary got it, he really did. Even he that had barely touched oxy in his life was having trouble breathing at the sight of it. 

“Fine.”

He snatched them out of Mike’s hand and hurried to the bathroom.

“Stop, stop, Gary, wait!”

In a blink Gary was standing in front of the toilet, plastic bag open on his not-so-steady hand. Taking a deep breath, he threw them into the clear water and stared for a second. He heard Mike swallowing hard besides him.

“Don’t flush it. Please."

“You do it, then.”

Neither of them spoke. Gary’s hand reached for the lever but Mike grabbed his wrist before he could pull it. At that moment he got genuinely scared; he was well aware of what an addict could do to get what they wanted. But before Gary even tried to break free from his grasp, Mike let go and pulled the lever himself. 

They stood there, staring at the clear toilet water, for longer than either of them would have liked to admit. A dull pain in his chest made Gary realize that he had forgotten to breathe in that entire time. He took a deep breath and turned to Mike, who was chewing on his lower lip with such intensity that he was sure to draw blood at any moment now. 

“That was a good thing we did just now, wasn’t it?” Gary shrugged “R-recovery wise?” Fuck. Why did words like that still feel heavy on his tongue?

Mike turned to look at him like he had just realized he was there. “I guess.” He went back to chewing on his lip. “Doesn’t feel like a good thing, though. I feel shitty." With a sigh he walked out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. He plunged on the bed on his stomach, making it creak under his weight. 

Gary was aware that they hadn’t just had the same experience, Mike and him. Gary was an alcoholic, he barely ever used drugs. Well, maybe cocaine was the exception, but he never really used pills. He could even count with the fingers of one hand the number of times he had taken oxy. If Mike had found a bloody flask in his bag instead of some pills in his pockets, Gary probably wouldn’t have been so chill about the whole thing. Gary had definitely felt tempted to take the oxy, but he couldn't even begin imagine how hard it must have been for Mike. He followed him into the bedroom and sat down on his own bed.

“Listen mate, just now when I said that we did a good thing? I shouldn’t have said that; I didn’t do shit. You did a good thing.” 

Mike raised his head from his pillow and dedicated Gary a half smile. “That’s not true; you helped me out, didn’t you? Even if it wasn’t your thing I know it couldn’t have been easy for you not to take them either. Shit, I would get high on anything they offered me right now; oxy, cough syrup, fucking gasoline…” He buried his head into the pillow again and Gary could hear a suffocated groan coming from him. 

“Yeah…” Gary wasn’t even sure what he was agreeing to. Gasoline didn’t sound too bad right now, though. “That’s the thing I guess; you feel like you would cut your fingers off one by one for a hit, and yet just now you could have gotten one and you didn't. You didn't take the fucking pills; you threw them away even though you thought you'd kill for them.” He swallowed with a bit of difficulty. Would he honestly turn down a drink right now if he could have one, just one, without anyone knowing? “That’s what we’re aiming for, right? To stop killing ourselves for something we don’t actually need? You just did that back there in the toilet. That’s huge, man.” 

Mike turned to lie on his side, and faced Gary with a little smile on his lips. “Since when did you become such a sentimentalist, Gary?”

Gary may have gone a bit red on the cheeks. A pillow flew from his bed to Mike’s face in a matter of seconds. “Oi! Fucking ass!” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not being a sentimentalist; I’m being fucking… supportive or something. But you can forget about that if you’re going to be such a bloody asshole about it.” He lay down on the bed, turning away from Mike, but couldn’t contain a smile at the sound of his roommate’s chuckles. 

“Sorry, Gary, come on, don't be mad" he said, still laughing.

“For that I’m getting your dessert tomorrow, that’s all I’m gonna say. Now go the fuck to bed.” 

"Fine, fine." Mike agreed. 

Gary shook his head. He was really easy to manipulate, wasn’t he? 

Wait. Hold on a minute. A second later Gary shot right out of bed and headed right for the toilet.

“What now, Gary?”

“I still gotta take a piss."


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m sorry! What else was I supposed to say?” Andy’s voice sounded strained over the phone.

Gary cursed under his breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Not that I’m here! Couldn’t you have made something up?” He kept walking up and down the room as he spoke.

“She kept insisting, mate, she was worried as hell, I…” There was a pause. “She started crying, Gary; I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Fuck” he said again, to no one in particular. He couldn’t really blame Andy, now could he? She had been calling him to check on Gary ever since he took her call back in Newton Haven. It was only a matter of time till she figured out what was going on.

Gary let out a sigh, his hand dragging down his face. “She’s definitely coming, then?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Tomorrow, yeah.” Andy mimicked his sigh. “Anyway, I thought I let you know.”

“You could have told me earlier” he said with a pout Andy couldn’t really see.

“I can’t call you, remember? I needed to wait until you called me.”

Gary didn’t even bother to answer that. “I can’t believe you sold me out!”

“She’s your mum, Gary, all right? Not the bloody FBI.” A groan from Gary interrupted him. “Besides, this is a good thing you’re doing, she’ll be glad to see it happen.”  

“Oh, fuck off, Andy!” he crossed an arm over his chest but kept holding the phone to his ear with the other. He didn’t want to hang up just yet.

“I’ll see you next week, Gary, all right? Sorry I told your mum you were in rehab.” It sounded like something out of some sort of weird greetings card, Gary thought. “Be nice to her, yeah?”

“The fuck do you take me for, you bloody ass?” He paused to consider his own words. “…Fine. I’ll try.”

-

Of course she was the first person to arrive. _Of course._ After a minute or so, Gary figured that I wouldn’t do any good to keep covering his face and hiding behind the flowerpot on the reception desk, so he took a deep breath and walked over to her. When she saw him across the room she let out a surprised ‘Oh!’ and took a hand over her mouth. Gary thought he saw her eyes watering a bit. _Great._

He was standing opposite her sooner than he had expected. He suddenly realized he hadn’t thought of anything to say. Somehow he managed some sort of tense looking smile and a ‘Hey, mum.’ Yep, she was crying all right.

She stared at him with love ridden eyes for a second, both her hands crossed over her heart, as if she were seeing him for the very first time. Gary braced for the unavoidable hug that was bound to happen, but realized a bit too late that he had made a bit of a calculation error. 

He was pretty sure he had never been slapped so hard in his entire life. But as his head turned to the right in a perfect ninety degrees angle, he decided that he really had it coming.

‘Oh, honey!’ she shrieked as she put both her hands over her mouth this time. The hug he had been expecting came immediately after that. ‘I never thought…’ she said in between sobs ‘I’d live to see the day…’ Gary couldn’t really make out what she said after that, so he just put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder for a bit.

 Gary was pretty sure if he wasn’t the one to break the hug they would have stayed in that same spot forever. ‘Mum? Do you wanna go sit down? I’ll bring you some coffee.’

By the time they were all set on one of the little tables in the next room (‘we can’t really stay on the reception hall all day, mum’), Gary’s mum had calmed down significantly. She still kept putting her hand over his every two sentences and exclaiming ‘You look so good, honey, so good!’ every other minute, but it wasn’t so bad. Gary was actually relieved a slap to the face was all retaliation he was getting; he clearly deserved _a lot_ more. 

‘I brought you some stuff’ she said, putting a huge bag on the table and beginning to take out its contents. ‘I didn’t really know what you needed exactly, so I brought a bit of everything.’

‘Mum, I’m fine, really, I don’t…’ she started putting packages of what seemed to be brand new clothes and toiletries on his lap. ‘I don’t need any of this, mum! Mum! would you stop?’ she didn’t stop.

‘And I bought you some pajamas!’ she said in a squeakier than usual voice, as she displayed them to him.

He was about to make a comment on them, something like “I’m bloody forty years old and those have fucking ROCKETS on them”, but he decided against it. She just looked so _happy._

‘T-thanks…’ he managed to stutter. Well, rockets were kind of cool if you thought about it. He could wear those…

‘Oh, Gary, remember when you were little and you wanted to be an astronaut?’

Oh, so that’s what those were about, gotcha.

‘Well, maybe now you can!’ she added with a shrug and a dreamy smile.

‘Yeah, maybe let’s take it slow, mum, I don’t think I’m quite there yet.’

'Right, sorry!' she made a dismissive gesture with her hand and dedicated him a smile. 'What do you want to do then, honey?'

Oh, let's not go there. It was too bloody soon. 'Well...' He rubbed his cheek. She was waiting for an answer. 'I should get a job?' It was literally a question. 'I need a new car, so I'll need to make money somehow. And Andy said I could stay with him, but I'll have to chip in for food and all that stuff, you know?' He shrugged. 'So I guess I'll get on that as soon as I'm out of here.' Jesus Christ, it sounded so painfully boring. And he had left out the part where he had to figure out how to stay sober on top of doing all of that. It seemed close to impossible at the moment. But his mum nodded solemnly and seemed satisfied with his answer.

He was so tired already, though. His mum visit had been nicer than he had expected, true, but it was only a matter of time till she started digging too deep. Gary wasn't ready to tell her some of the stuff he knew she needed to hear. They had wronged each other a lot. It would take time to make it better.

'I'm... Glad you came, mum. Really. It had been a while.' He tried not to fixate on the fact that the last time he had been in a hospital bed with his wrists slit in half.

'I'm glad to see you too, honey. And so much better... I'm proud.' Her eyes watered a bit again.

'I'll go visit you next time, yeah? When I'm out.'

She just nodded again. Suddenly she stood up and hugged him across the table. Gary didn’t think it was possible, but somehow this hug was even longer than the previous one. Eventually she broke it, but stood there a minute stroking his cheek.

'Um. Thanks for the stuff, mum. And for coming. I should get inside, though.'

'Of course, honey, of course.' She grabbed all her stuff and kissed him on the cheek before beginning to walk away. Then she turned.

'Gary? Please, try this time. Please try your best.'

He managed to dedicate her a nod before she dashed through the door.

'Yeah, I’m trying' he whispered to himself.


	11. Chapter 11

Andy picked up the phone and the automated voice on the other side told him he had a call from the number that had been calling non-stop for over a month. It had probably been permanently engraved in his memory by now. He pressed the number that accepted the charges, and waited for the familiar voice to greet him. Soon enough, he heard a little noise that indicated that the call had been connected.

 

‘Hey, Gary’ he managed to say, before being cut by his friend’s chipper voice.

 

‘Andy!’ Gary began, as he did the majority of his sentences when he was excited ‘Less than a week till I get out of this hellhole, mate!  You excited to have me as a flatmate? I can’t promise I’ll do the dishes every time, but I borrowed these videogames from Becky that she says are going to blow our minds. Now, I’m not saying an ass-kicking at those from me to you will make up for not doing chores, but…’

 

 ‘Gary, listen…’  Andy interrupted. He ran a hand through his hair. He needed a couple of seconds before he could manage to get the words out. ‘My family is coming back home. I’m not sure when, but…’

 

All of the sudden Gary had fallen completely silent. Of course. Andy felt like his tongue was in a knot. He didn’t like the sound of his own voice. It sounded a lot like he was just making up excuses.

 

‘ I’ve been speaking with my wife lately…’ he continued somehow ‘I know I said you could stay here indefinitely, Gary, I’m sorry…’

 

Fuck. He felt like proper shit. Of course, if there was no other choice he would take Gary in anyway… but if he could figure something else out… God, he missed his kids. He needed this second chance from his wife. He needed to get his life back together too.

 

‘You can stay here till they arrive. It’s probably not going to be until next month anyway. And we’ll find you a place after, Gary, I promise.’ He stopped for a second to rearrange his thoughts. Gary’s silence was much more troubling than he had anticipated. ‘I’ll help in any other way I can. You can still count on me for anything at all, just…’

 

‘Andy...’ he heard him mutter. ‘I get it’ he seemed to be trying not to sound disappointed.  

 

‘I’m serious, Gary, I’m not backing off from this. I’ll be there for you whenever. But my family needs me as well.’

 

He thought he heard Gary sigh, but when he spoke he sounded almost as cheery as he did when he first answered the phone.

 

‘You’ve done a lot for me already, mate. And I’ll take your word for helping me out again in the future. I’m sure you won’t have to wait too long.’

 

Was that a joke? Andy felt his heart sink in his chest. He pretended to chuckle anyway.

 

‘I’ll go over on the weekends when you move out. Or I can take a couple of days off even. You’ll just need to say the word, yeah? And it’s not even going to be right now, we’ll make the most of the next month.’

 

For some reason, in that exact same moment, Andy pictured how all of this must have been sounding to Gary. _No, you aren’t coming home with me. Sorry, but I can’t have you around my family. Call me if you need anything. I do still care, though... You know, sort of._ Andy bit his lip and shut his eyes at the mere thought. Gary, we’re still friends. I promise I still love you.

 

Gary’s voice seemed as carefree as always when he answer, which only worried Andy more.

 

‘Of course, yeah. I know I can count on you. Don’t worry, I know we’ll figure something out.’

 

-

 

Gary wasn’t even mad about it. Or even… like shocked or anything. Andy had apologized as though he had murdered his mum or something. It was kind of funny, really. Maybe he did feel a bit… disappointed. Although everybody kept telling him to let go of the past, didn’t they? Staying with Andy wasn’t going to make ‘good times’ come back, he knew… although he was still trying to wrap his mind about that one.  And Andy had a lot of stuff other than him on his life. Which was probably healthy if you thought about it. That was he was striving for too, right? Making a life for himself? Or something? Maybe them not staying together was the best thing that could have happened right now… Maybe.

 

‘And you can come over sometime, when I have my own place’ Gary had casually said while on the phone. ‘And we’ll hang out. Doesn’t have to be all the time, just whenever you can make it. It’ll be fun, right?’

 

Then Andy had asked about everything and anything. Yeah, he was holding up all right. And he had met some nice people. No, he still didn’t particularly care for the program, but then again they expected for him to stay clean and sober for good, it probably wasn’t that bad if you took away that part. Sure, he felt ready to get out.

 

Although that last one was a big fat lie.

 

Gary got to his room and crashed onto his bed.

 

‘Mike’ he said, his voice muffled by the pillow. ‘I could really use one of them pills right now.’

 

‘Your mum coming over again?’ he said, raising an eyebrow over whatever fucking magazine he was reading. Or staring at the girls in, whatever.

 

Gary lifted his head  ‘No, and I’m running out of Kit Kats cause you keep eating them all, you fuck! I wish she were coming over with more.’

 

‘I do not eat from your candy stash, mate. No after you almost chew off my hand that time.’

 

‘It’s not a stash!’ …It was a stash. Kind of.

 

‘What is it then?’ Mike continued, as he flipped the magazine to get a better look at… was that porn? How did he get that in…? Oh. Lingerie catalogue. Huh, ingenious. Would trade it for a chocolate bar later.

 

He lay down on the pillow again. ‘I’m not sure, actually. I guess I thought…’ he paused for a second. ‘Never mind.’

 

Gary turned to face the wall. This was stupid. This was so dumb, why was he even upset?

 

‘Where you talking to Andy just now?’ Mike asked.

 

Gary didn’t know why but he was certain Mike knew what was going on with him. Maybe it was that he was in there with him. He had to have done some stupid shit at some point or he wouldn’t be there at all.

 

He hesitated. He had been waiting to get this thing of his chest for half his life, but then again there was a reason he hadn’t. A thousand reasons.

Gary turned back to look at him, only he didn’t. He kept staring at the floor, biting on his already abused nails.

 

‘You ever had someone you promised yourself you wouldn’t hurt and then hurt them most of all?’

 

Mike actually put the magazine down to look at him. He nodded silently and Gary suddenly felt very exposed.

 

‘What happened?’

 

Gary shrugged. A smile threatened to appear on his lips, but then didn’t. ‘It’s nothing, it’s…’

 

He felt silent, but Mike waited patiently.

 

‘Andy…’ he begun, almost muttering. ‘He was my best mate in school. We had fun. Most of the time, at least.’

 

Gary let out something of a sigh. He could already feel his heart begin to race in his chest.

 

‘And then… it kinda wasn’t all that fun anymore. He was busy. Went off to college, found himself a girlfriend. It was ok, now that I think about it. Normal. But back then…’

He chuckled.

 

‘It sounds dumb to put it into words, but he used to be the one who said ‘fuck these guys!’ with me when people tried to tell me to get it together. It made sense when he was there, but now I had no one to back me up. And it’s fucked up, I know, but hearing him say “maybe they are right” felt like fucking betrayal.’

 

He stopped for half a second to look away. At some point he had begun looking at Mike in the eyes, but he couldn’t keep doing it anymore. He felt like he was in a confessionary. He went back to staring at the floor.

 

‘I was making too big of a deal probably, I should have gotten a job or whatever, I guess. Stop getting hammered Tuesday nights, I don’t know. But I couldn’t, cause the only moment when I wasn’t miserable was when I was with a drink in my hand… and having a drink in my hand didn’t feel like a coping mechanism or whatever they call it when he was there. When he was there it was just another party.’

 

Gary smiled to himself.

 

‘So I did everything I could think of to have him around. And one night…’

 

He cringed at the memory. All these years later and he still couldn’t even dare to think of it without hating every inch of himself. And somehow he was talking about it. And he couldn’t stop now.

 

‘One night I picked him up. I drove all the way to his college and parked right outside his dorm. I banged on his door, and begged until he agreed to go out with me. He said something about having an exam on Monday, but I honestly couldn’t have cared less about his fucking studies. Or him. I was thinking about me, and what I wanted. And I wanted to get fucking plastered and pretend it was just a bit of fun.’

 

He turned over to stare at the ceiling. The floor felt very judgmental all of the sudden. He swallowed with some difficulty.

 

‘So we get to a party, wherever it was, and I had already been drinking, of course. Smoking a bit too. But everything felt like too little, so a couple of extra drinks later, I sneaked into the bathroom and took something. I don’t even remember what it was. Painkillers, probably, and maybe a line. And then… I don’t remember much at all. I guess he noticed I wasn’t coming back, and went looking for me. Found me unconscious and put me in the car. Fucking picked me up and carried me there.’

 

Gary didn’t know why, but he had always found that image kind of funny. It still was, only… also painful as hell.

 

‘But he had been drinking quite a bit too, and was freaking out because he thought I was dying, so he crashed the car. Bad. All I remember is waking up and seeing the police lights. It was so much of a fucking blur I didn’t even know where I was. Somehow I got myself out of there and ran. Crashed on a bench not too far from Andy’s campus, expecting for him to come back eventually. I didn’t know…’

 

Gary laughed, only it wasn’t a laugh. He was sweating through his shirt.

 

‘He almost died. Probably everybody I knew donated blood. I woke up the next day and drove home, and when my mother told me I got back in the car and drove away. I don’t know what I expected to happen. I don’t know why I thought I could run from it all.’

 

He paused again, and this time it took him a while to begin speaking again.

 

‘Came back a week later to Andy still in the hospital, getting prepped to get arrested. I sneaked into his bedroom when no one was around. I thought his parents might kill me if they saw me. I would have killed me if I were them.’

 

Gary had never felt so stupid in his life. Not even in that moment. Back then he had even lied to himself, convinced himself that everything was fine. Now he was admitting it wasn’t, for the first time. And it felt like having burning oil forced down his throat.

 

‘And I did what I always do. Tried to tell him it had been just another ‘fun night’. That he looked fine to me, and that jail wasn’t all that bad.’

 

He shook his head.

 

‘And he begged… He didn’t even blame me for what had happened, he just wanted for me to get help. He told me that if I did he would forget all about that night. That I was out of control, an addict and…’

 

Gary’s breathing was so accelerated he had to take a moment to actually take a proper couple of breaths.

 

‘And I flipped out. Called him every name I could think of and stormed out of there. And after that, when I thought he wouldn’t be mad anymore, I tried a thousand times to… just pretend it hadn’t happened. I called, and I rang his fucking bell, and ‘accidentally’ ran into him on the street, and whatever you can think of. But he wouldn’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. Eventually I stopped trying. Told myself I was over it. But things only got worse from there. From that day on, some part of me knew I was sick. That I needed to stop. So, naturally, I began drinking more, cause that’s the only way I could make all those feelings stop. And now I’m here, and…’

 

He wasn’t going to cry. He couldn’t let his voice break, ok? Not now.

 

‘I’m here. And I’ll always be that guy. I’ll always be the person who did that to the one man who meant the most to me.’

 

There was a moment when neither of them spoke. It was just Gary’s ragged breaths filling the room. Then Mike licked his lips and nodded.

 

‘You had never told this story before, had you?’

 

What had gotten into him today? How did he know these things?

 

‘No.’

 

‘It’s a start.’

 

Gary felt very tired all of the sudden.

 

‘It doesn’t change anything.’

 

Mike dropped his legs over the edge of the bed and bended over to look right at him.

 

‘Gary, you can’t change the past. He’s giving you another chance, yeah? Just focus on making the most of it.’

 

‘You say that as if it were so easy!’

 

‘No, I know it’s not. But you gotta let yourself try.’

 

Gary didn’t answer right away. He needed to find the proper words.

 

‘He doesn’t even want me around. He says he does, but he doesn’t, don’t you see? I’m getting out in less than a week and he’s already got everything figured out so he doesn’t have to have me at his place any longer than necessary.’

 

_I don’t blame him_ , _though_ he thought. _I can’t stand myself either._

 

‘That isn’t him talking, Gary, it’s you. You’ve been carrying this around for decades. Denying it, pretending it didn’t matter when it did. He has already forgiven you, mate, when will you forgive yourself?’

 

‘You’re getting all philosophical on me again’ he said, frustrated.

 

‘I’m right, though. You know I am.’

 

And with that he sat back and grabbed his magazine again.

 

Gary ran a hand through his hair. This truly didn’t make any sense to him. How was he going to stop feeling so poorly about himself by… not drinking? Yeah, maybe he wouldn’t do as much stupid shit as he used to, but it wasn’t right to blame alcohol or drugs for the whole mess he was, and everything he had ever done, right? He was well fucked up way before drinking. That’s the whole reason why he drank so much. And being sober would only feel terribly wrong, because when he drank he was Gary fucking King, and he felt wonderful, and he felt loved. Well, a sort of loved anyway. And it was fake, yeah, but fake love felt better than no love, and fake self-esteem felt better than no self-esteem.  And, God, he was so tired, and he needed a drink, and he was getting out in a week, and it was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done to stay sober out there and not fuck up his life and his friends’ again.

 

‘Holy shit’ he said in a whisper. ‘I have so many issues.’

 

‘Just take it easy’ Mike said, tossing him the magazine. ‘Most of us do.’


	12. Chapter 12

Bloody typical of life to keep moving forward without waiting for him to be in the least prepared. Although, to be perfectly honest for once, he didn’t think he’d ever be prepared to be discharged and suddenly become a functional member of society and be very, very happy. So at least the thought that he was getting through with it and that he had Andy at his, quite literal, side was a bit of a comfort. A bit.

Andy, however, looked a bit like he was going to implode at any second. He was a decent driver, but ever since they left the rehab center, he had been grabbing at the wheel like it was going to fly off and generally driving like he had gotten his license the day before. ‘But if you’re panicking, and I’m panicking’ thought Gary to himself ‘then who’s driving the car?’ He chuckled. Becky had introduced him to a couple of those jokes. They were an internet thing apparently. He promised her he would get a decent phone as soon as possible so he could ‘continue his education’, as she put it.

“I swear mate, if you kill us right now, after all I’ve just been through…” he joked. And then he remembered the time he almost killed Andy by being a complete idiot and his little smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. Andy didn’t seem offended this time, though, didn’t seem to have noticed at all, actually.

“Sorry” he said with an almost smile and sat up straighter. “So much for not letting it show that I am nervous as hell, huh?”

“Well, one of us has to be” said Gary, crossing his hands on the back of his neck. For some reason it was a relief that he was not the only one feeling vulnerable at the moment. 

Andy seemed so on top of things most of the time. It was nice to know he was still human. And that he cared.

“I’m serious, I don’t want to ruin this for you. I actually want to help you find… whatever it is you need to be happy. We don’t exactly have all the time in the world, you know?”

“Thanks, mum. I really needed the reminder. Not that there’s enough pressure as it is.” Gary saw Andy roll his eyes at him.

“I know you will figure everything out. I’m just saying that I want to make things as easy as possible for you. And weren’t you just super relaxed just a second ago?”

“I am!” he said, as they passed yet another packed pub, where people were drinking and laughing sitting on the tables on the sidewalk. He resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at them. “I have everything planned out: I’m gonna sit on your couch all month, drink all your beer, and have you bring me industrial quantities of pizza every night after work.”

“Luckily, all my beer is zero” said Andy with a hint of sternness in his voice.

“Of course, I know that. Don’t you think I am serious about this sobriety thing? I am. Very serious. No beer. At all…” He made a pause “I mean, but shots still don’t count, right?”  
He got flicked on the side of the head by a suddenly very annoyed Andy.

\----

Andy’s place wasn’t half bad. Gary certainly didn’t mind central heat, and a big telly, and good food in the fridge. He did have to sleep in Andy’s daughters’ bedroom, but he didn’t really mind. It was only the prospect of having to do certain… things that was keeping him up at night.

“No” was his answer when Andy first asked when he was going to an AA meeting.

“That… doesn’t make any sense” said Andy, looking worried and sitting by his side on the couch.

“I’m not going to an AA meeting” he clarified, without taking his eyes off the screen. He had grown quite fond of the video games Andy owned in the last couple of days.

“You’re not… Gary, we had a deal. You may think you can do this all alone, but the truth is that outside help is essential. And I can be a supportive friend, but that’s definitely not enough. And I know you are serious about this, but you can’t afford any missteps at this point. You know this, the doctors at the clinic were pretty clear. Luckily, none of the damage you have done to your body is completely irreversible…”  
Something blew up in the screen and Andy had to make a pause. Gary made an effort not to curse out loud. Bastards had killed his fucking character yet again.

“…but you absolutely have to stay away from the drink. Your health is hanging by a thread.” He didn’t mean to sound dramatic, but to make an effect on Gary King was quite the bloody task. 

“I am not going to an AA meeting” Andy opened his mouth to complain, but Gary continued “But! I will find another program. I just think AA is outdated, that’s all.” 

He didn’t really want to elaborate right now, but he had disliked the traditional approach for a while now. Too spiritual. He didn’t really have the stomach for prayer and chants… The cliché stock phrases alone were enough to make him heave. Not to mention the fact that he was supposed to surrender himself to a ‘higher power’ or whatever they called it. It was fine, of course, if that was your thing. But lately he had come to realize… it wasn’t a lot of people’s thing, and definitely not his. And that was fine. That one-size-fits-all philosophy never sat well with him. There couldn’t be only one way to stay sober, right? Statistically speaking, whatever that meant. He never did things by the book and he most certainly wasn’t going to start now.

“I’d like a group, though. Somewhere I can be frustrated in company. On the smaller side, probably, but a group still. I am not the biggest fan of therapists, you know? Last thing I need is another doctor who knows nothing of that I’m going through telling me what to do. At least in a group they will be all… like me” he was going to say ‘drunks’.

Andy sat there in silence for a minute. He seemed like he was considering Gary’s words, which… seemed very thought of, didn’t they? 

“That sounds… reasonable. A group. Smallish. Not too traditional in its approach.” He shrugged. “There should be something like that around, probably. It’s a big city after all.”

Gary had to smile. “I know of a couple I’m willing to try. But if there are not hot girls in the one I first go to, I’m moving on to the next.”

“Deal” said Andy, shaking his head. “Also, I’ve been thinking that you should probably put together a resume… I mean if you’re up to it already. Have you thought about what you may wanna do for a job?”

“Uh…” began Gary, while trying to dodge an enemy in the video game. “Is becoming a rock star still and option or…?”

“Maybe something a bit more realistic for now. Although you are welcome to use my kid’s guitar. If you don’t mind it being pink and covered in glittery butterflies, that is.” With this, Andy grabbed the second control and entered the game as player two.

“You know I don’t. I was thinking something in the lines of… a music shop. Or a clothing store. Somewhere where they sell cool stuff, though, not just any of them.”

Andy didn’t want to crush Gary’s modest dreams, but the job market was kinda tough as of late. He may have to settle for a while to sweeping floors. Or something like a Starbucks or McDonald’s. In his humble opinion, anywhere where they didn’t sell any alcohol at all would be fine.

“There’s an opening, I think, at the bakery down the street. I mean, if you hurry up…”

“A bakery?”

“It doesn’t have to be what you do for the rest of your life. Just something to do for now. Who knows, you may even actually become a rock star soon enough” Andy joked.

“Eh, sober rock stars are boring anyway. And if they let me take some leftovers home at the bakery… You know they don’t always sell everything they make. It could be fun. We could get fat.”

“Beat you to that one already, mate” said Andy with a smile. 

“Well I could get fat and you could get fatter.”

“It’d look good on you. I say you apply for the job. I hope you are better at whatever they ask of you than you are at this game, though, I’m kicking your ass.”

Gary turned his head to dedicate his friend an offended look. “I’ve only just begun playing, you’ve had this game for years!”

“I’m still kicking your ass” continued Andy in a teasing tone.

Gary suddenly grabbed the remote harder, looking very determined. “We’ll see about that.”

Andy had to laugh.


	13. Chapter 13

Gary felt like he should have been happier walking home from the interview. After all, he had gotten the job, hadn’t he? He was supposed to feel better. It’s not like he didn’t feel good at all, it’s not like he didn’t feel grateful for all the good things that were happening to him… That he was making happen to himself. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was paying a price much too high. Sometimes, when he talked to those folks that had been sober for a while and worked as counselors and gave motivational speeches and what not, or even to those people who had found their better selves in being clean, he felt a little ashamed of himself. Or very ashamed. Those people that were all smiley faces and were supposed to be ‘inspirational’… Success stories, they called it. Well, they just made him cringe. No, he didn’t experience any kind of awakening, and he didn’t feel like getting sober was like beating cancer. He had actually heard that one, he had. Someone asked the guy if he ever missed drinking, and the answer was ‘Does a cured patient ever miss cancer?’ Gary had huffed. It seemed like a bit of a stretch, to say the least. 

The interview had gone really well. He had gone shopping with Andy some days before, and gotten decent clothes that he actually liked. All very formal and everything, but still stylish, he thought. Andy even gave him a bit of his good cologne, and Gary felt a little like one of those business men who travel first class and know Japanese or something. Andy said his ‘Japanese’ was gibberish when he tried to demonstrate by pretending to take a call from Tokyo on the phone, but he had laughed anyway. Gary had actually gotten to the place a bit early, and was interviewed by the owner, who seemed like a decent bloke, a couple of minutes later. They needed someone who could take orders for customers and see to the register, basically. And maybe learn a thing or two about the ovens and stuff, to help the guy who would be doing the baking. Of course Gary had close to zero experience in all of these things, but he was pretty charming, and he didn’t question the miserable amount of money or the long hours, and, of course, Andy had helped the bakery with some legal trouble a while ago, so… Long story short, Gary would start on Monday. 

He had texted Andy right away, with lots of emojis and everything. Andy was ecstatic. He said they should celebrate, go to dinner or something. He even sent emojis back. Gary stared at the phone for a while, with a timid smile. It’s not that dinner didn’t sound good, it’s just…. Well, he couldn’t really help it, could he? Just the word celebration had made his mind had wonder to a bottle of wine, the good kind, or at least decent. White maybe? He even heard he pop of uncorking it and the clink of the glasses. It was but a second, but he could taste the damn thing at the back of his tongue. Cursing to himself, he dumped the phone on his pocket and began walking home.

Why did everything -good, bad, and all in between- had to make him feel like drinking? And why was even wanting to so bad in the first place? He just wanted a fucking glass of wine or two. In his fantasy he was sharing a single bottle with Andy, wasn’t he? So it couldn’t have been more than that. Of course, Andy didn’t drink at all but theoretically… Honestly, what was so sinful about a beer on a Saturday night? He wasn’t daydreaming about chugging down a bottle of vodka, right? He could have, but he wasn’t.

Suddenly he felt very tired. All of this thinking and moral dilemmas really did drain him. With a sigh, he sat on the sidewalk, fancy clothes and all, and ran a hand through his hair. He had walked by two beer ads and a liquor store already, and he could really use a break between those and the next alcohol related thing to come (he remembered the damned put on the next block). He patted his pockets and took his cigarettes out. At least he still had those. Although, of course, he would quit eventually. Just not right now. He took one to his lips and lit it. He didn’t think he’d miss them too much, though. He didn’t miss the drugs all that much even. 

‘So, hypothetically’ he began thinking, without even wanting to ‘if an alcoholic –such as yourself- ever starts drinking again, that’s a doomed path, right? That’s what they say, that it starts escalating until you’re right back where you began. Or worse.’ He took another drag of his cigarette, without even noticing. ‘I’m not saying it sounds wrong, simply that it may not unfeasible that maybe a minority of problem drinkers could maybe manage to not let this happen to them. That’s all.’ He smiled at the thought. He wondered if anyone else had thought of this before. Now that’s a success story he’d love to hear: “Guy has a beer. World doesn’t end.” Still… well, it was just a thought, wasn’t it? Gary wasn’t actually going to try this out. I mean, not right now at least. Or ever of course. Or ever tell Andy that he had thought of this. Jesus, if he ever found out he was considering this he was as good as dead. Friendless, and back in the streets. He didn’t think his job would last if they found out about his situation either. Shit, shit, shit, what was he even doing?  
Before he could stop himself, he had stood up like a spring, and was trying to not let it show that he was in the verge of hyperventilation. ‘Dumbass’ was all his mind could produce right now. ‘It was just a thought. You did nothing wrong, ok? Go home.’

Go home, you still have a home. With another sigh, and dumping his hands inside his pockets, he walked the rest of the way to Andy’s apartment. He walked pass the pub. He should have been happier that he had gotten a job. Now he just felt like an idiot. A sober, miserable idiot.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not that this is important or anything, but I always picture Andy's wife as Olivia Colman. Just thowing that out there, fyi~

Andy wasn’t really one to get nervous. But, yet, here he was, hands sweaty and even a bit jumpy, sitting there, waiting for his wife. The woman he had married over ten years ago, and with whom he had had two daughters with was making him shift in his seat. It wasn’t completely unusual for him not to feel completely comfortable either, right? After all, they hadn’t seen each other in months, and they hadn’t been on good terms long before that. They hardly ever spoke on the phone during the time they were apart. That’s why it was a little surprising for him when she suggested that they gave their relationship another try. Of course, he wasn’t going to say no to that. He did actually love her, and he wanted his family back. He missed his little girls like hell. Still, he couldn’t help but think that it all felt a bit… forced. Weren’t they barely on talking terms just a couple of weeks before? She had been so mad when she left… Well, he was just being a bit cautious and nothing more. He wasn’t about to throw himself back in her arms just because she would take him. He wanted something that would actually work this time.

‘Andy.’ Her voice took him out of his thoughts. ‘Sorry, the traffic is insane. Have you been here long?’ she continued, sitting opposite him. 

‘No, not at all. Got here only a bit ago.’ He followed her every movement as she sat down. She had always been so goddamn pretty. And it didn’t seem to have changed in those last months. In fact, she looked quite radiant. Andy wondered if it wasn’t just the fact that he had missed her so much. But it didn’t matter.

‘It’s good to see you’ she began with a tender smile. ‘How are things?’

‘Busy,’ he said, and immediately regretted it. ‘Um, you know, Gary can be a handful’ he added with a chuckle. 

She just nodded. She had never met Gary, but of course Andy had told her about the situation he was in with his friend right now. She didn’t really seem to mind that Andy had never spoken well of him before, it seemed like they were in good terms now, so she didn’t ask much of it.

‘But I’m good all in all. And you? The girls?’

‘Good. They miss you.’

Andy had seen his daughters a couple of times during that period, but not half as much as he would have liked.

‘Me too. And I’ve missed you too, Julia.’

‘Listen,’ she said gravely. ‘I really want us to be on the same page here. I don’t know…’ she traced off and shook her head.

She looked very somber all of the sudden, and Andy felt somehow awkward. She didn’t seem to be going anywhere good with this.

‘Jules, you’re the one that called me here.’

‘Don’t start getting defensive already, ok? I know I did. I just don’t want things to just go back to the way there were, Andy.’

He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. He waited a moment to reply.

‘Of course, I know. I don’t want that either.’

‘So we should agree on how we want things to be from now on. I’m sorry if I’m not the cheeriest version of myself right now, but you’ve been one let down after the other, Andy. I just want to make sure this is a good decision right now.’

Andy didn’t answer right away. On the one hand, he had never been the husband she wanted him to be. And he had promised again and again that he would make his best effort to do things differently, and completely missed the mark every time. On the other hand… Well, he had tried his best, all these years he had worked his butt off for his family. He had loved them so deeply it hurt. But whatever he did, it was never enough for her. It felt like she would never be satisfied with who he was.   
‘You know I work less hours…’

‘You had done that before, I know. I’m not asking you to work even less. I just want you to be there when you have to, Andy.’

Of course she had said this before. Andy had heard the same words again and again. He sighed.

‘I love you, I do. And I love our kids. So fucking much, Jules.’ He paused for a second and reached for her hand. ‘And I do believe you love me, or at least you did once. But are you ever going to be satisfied with our marriage? Maybe I can’t give you everything you want. What are you asking for? For me to pick up the girls from dancing lessons? I can do that. But if you think what’s wrong with us is that I don’t care about you, I don’t know how to make it more clear that I do.’

‘I wish it was so simple, Andy. I know you care. And I know you love us, but that’s not enough. Look,’ she licked her lips ‘Andy, we were in love once. I feel like it is you who was stopped loving me the way you used to. You are going through the motions. It’s not the same anymore.’

She wasn’t about going to cry. Every time they argued she did, but she wasn’t going to now. And Andy had run out of words, because he knew exactly what she meant. Yes, they loved each other but they weren’t in love anymore. And he couldn’t deny that.

‘Staying together would be easier for us, for the girls… I thought it was what I wanted when I called the other day. But now I don’t know. I don’t want to keep arguing forever, Andy.’

He couldn’t believe his ears. Weren’t they getting back together half an hour ago?

‘You were always enough for me, Julia. But I never was for you.’

‘Are you in love with me’ she said, without missing a beat ‘the way you were the day we got married?’

‘Jules…’

‘Are you?’

He looked into her eyes. He began drawing circles with his thumb on the back of her hand without even realizing. He had loved her. Truly, deeply. But maybe she was right. They had both became different people through the years, changed, drifted away from each other. And he wasn’t looking at the same woman he had married. And she saw the same in him.

She dropped her gaze with a sad smile on her lips.

‘I thought so.’

‘I’m sorry’ he said in a whisper.

‘No’ she shook her head. ‘I’m not guiltless either. And I can’t pretend anymore that you’re the love of my life. Maybe there isn’t one. And it’s true that I was in love with you, but I couldn’t make it last forever, same as you.’ She nodded, in silence for a moment, thinking to herself. ‘This is probably for the best.’ She said at last.  
A single tear rolled down her cheek and she swiftly made it disappear with a long, thin finger. 

He was speechless. The knot in his throat was making it hard to breathe. He took his hand back and stood up without thinking. Then he walked over to her and leaned in to kiss her cheek. She kept her eyes closed, and he wondered if she was holding back tears. 

Then, wordlessly, he walked away.


End file.
